Exiting the Oshi-ire

Some observations on Japanese closets and NYT reporting

In the past thirty-six hours, several friends pointed me at this article in the New York Times, in which a pop idol named Shinjirō Atae (which is his performance name—Atae is a practically unheard of family name) comes out to his fans.

As someone who has not only dealt with my own closet (and the closets of colleagues), but also with my husband’s closet and the closets of the scant few celebrities I encountered during my ten years in Japan, I have thoughts.

At a reception with former Prime Minister Takeshita, deep inside my professional closet. And before you ask, no, the Prime Minister did not talk closets with me, despite my welcoming necktie and dapper double-breasted suit.

The first is a framing issue. The NYT reporters, both based in Tōkyō, had an exclusive interview with Atae, and they place his coming out in contrast with “conservative Japan”. The article also twice mentions a fact I am sadly too familiar with: Japan is the only member of the G7 that does not have marriage equality. Thanks, NYT, for rubbing it in.

The NYT article paints one bleak picture of the closet in Japan, one that people my age and older might remember from the United States as well. Celebrities are not expected to come out and when they do, it ends their careers. I was a child when both David Bowie and Elton John came out as bisexual (which was true for Bowie—Sir Elton’s initial hesitation inspired many gay men, myself included, to try on a bisexual moniker before embracing their gayness and/or queerness), but neither faced negative repercussions in their careers. They also went on to inspire other performers, particularly in the UK, to be out, including Andy Bell of Erasure, Neil Tennant of Pet Shop Boys, George Michael (who, like Freddie Mercury, struggled to find the door out of his closet), and perhaps my favorite, Jimmy Somerville of both Bronski Beat and The Communards, as well as his solo career. And if you’re interested in hearing a song about small towns that doesn’t include racist dog-whistling (and made eighteen-year-old Brian cry), try this.

What about closets from the prior generation? Many of the men older than me were drawn under the HIV-AIDS tide, leaving millions of gay and queer men my age and younger without mentors, leaders, and lovers. Those who laid claim to celebrity remained in the closet, even if that closet was Paul Lynde’s center square. I always think most poignantly of Rock Hudson, who remained in the closet until his death. From my memoir’s manuscript:

Rock’s French publicist, a woman named Yanou Collart, fueled the new sympathy for AIDS with a prevarication [in a press statement shortly before Rock’s death on October 2nd, 1985]: He doesn’t have any idea how he contracted AIDS. Nobody around him has AIDS. (Rock remained in the closet to the end, even though most gay men in California and Rock’s former leading ladies, Doris Day and Elizabeth Taylor, among them, knew where his affections lay.)

In the 1990s, coming out in the US got easier as more and more celebrities, perhaps beginning most famously with Ellen deGeneres, came out. But to say that Japan is conservative because comings-out like Atae’s are rare is too easy a conclusion.

Yes, both Confucianism and crony politics in Japan can make reactions to authentic queerness seem conservative, from our Western mindset. Don’t get me wrong: I want Japan to embrace marriage equality and I want my queer siblings in Japan to be free to make their own choices for their lives, instead of embracing the 我慢 (gaman, sometimes translated as perseverance but in truth a shorthand for putting up with the frequent shittiness of life) that Atae’s mother initially counseled. My fervent wish is for everyone, queer or not, to embrace their true selves and the people they choose to love openly.

But many Japanese people, my husband among them, make the closet work. Hiro is not out to his father, by choice, even though we’re certain his father has caught wise by now. And it’s easy to lose sight of the core concept of a closet: It’s not just a way to hide our identities. But it’s also a way to create the safety we need. My queer and gay Japanese siblings take the same first step I took: coming out to yourself. And all of us go on to create circles of friendships where they are safe to be out.

The situation for queer people in Japan is not as sad as the NYT wants you to believe; in fact, it is rapidly changing. But the NYT piece, as good as it is (and despite my critique, it is indeed a good, well-written article), is unavoidably a filter. The interview and the meeting with fans all happened in Japanese and we are glimpsing at it, faintly, through interpreting and translation.

Thankfully, the Japanese media, including Huffington Post’s Japan bureau, offer a direct look. I recommended reading this article, if you can read Japanese. What fascinated me most was that the reported included the full text of the letter Atae read to his assembled fans. It’s very long and as much as I would like to share my translation—admittedly also a filter—of the entire thing, let me pull up a few key paragraphs.

これから僕が話すことは、みなさんが期待して、望んでる内容ではないかもしれません。中には、理解するのに時間がかかる方もいると思います。でも、これから僕が話すことがきっかけで、少しでも、このことについて理解が深まり、世界が変わってくれることを、願っています。

The things I am about to say might not be what you all were expecting. And some of you might need some time to understand a few of my words. And yet I hope that what I am about to say serves, even in a small way, to enhance your understanding and, in so doing, allow the world to change.

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カミングアウトを決意するまでに、すごく時間がかかりました。自分ですら、自分のセクシュアリティを、受け入れることができませんでした。もし自分が、ゲイだということを認めてしまったら、今度は、世の中が自分のことを、アーティストとして、認めてくれないのではないかと、恐怖を感じることもありました。

The decision to come out took a lot of time. I myself found it difficult to accept my own sexuality. I was afraid that had I admitted my gayness, there would be those who would reject me, both as an individual and as an artist.

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海外に行き始めた頃の話ですが、ある日、男性同士が街中でキスをしているのを見て、僕は衝撃を受けました。周りの人達で彼らの行動を気にしている人は、誰もいませんでした。その時初めて、自分は1人じゃないんだと、どこかホッとしました。LGBTQ+の人でも、堂々と幸せになる道はあるんだと、希望が湧いてきました。完全に自分のセクシュアリティーを受け入れるには、そこからさらに時間がかかりましたが、LGBTQ+であろうと、どんな人間でも、“幸せに自分らしく生きる権利があるんだ”、ということに、気付かされました。

The first time I went overseas, I saw two men kissing each other in public. It shocked me. And yet no one else there took any particular notice. That was when I first realized I wasn’t alone, and I felt a kind of relief. I had begun to hope that even as someone identifying as queer, I could find a clear and direct route to happiness. It took more time after that incident for me to truly accept my own sexuality, but I realized that everyone, even those of us identifying as queer, have the right to live happily and authentically.

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日本では、あまりオープンにLGBTQ+について、話し合うことも少ないと思うので、さらに難しいことなのもわかっています。僕自身も、今日カミングアウトをしたばかりなので、これからも、LGBTQ+について学ぶことが、たくさんあると思っています。様々な固定概念によって、一人で抱え込み、悩んでいるLGBTQ+の方達が、世界中にいます。ハラスメント、イジメ、セケン的なプレッシャーに苦しみ、それによって、精神的にダメージを受ける人も、決して少なくはありません。

There aren’t a lot of opportunities to speak openly about queer issues in Japan, which I know makes this harder. And despite my coming out today, I also know that I have a lot to learn about queer identities. Many queer people around the world are locked into old thought patterns and expectations that drive them inward with worry and concern. On top of that, we face harassment, bullying, and societal pressure, adding to the mental frustrations that many of us undergo.

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もし、この会場の中にも、自分のセクシュアリティで悩んでいる方がいたら、僕のホームページを是非ご覧下さい。あなたは絶対に一人じゃない。僕も、あなたのことを全力で応援します。同じ悩みを抱えていた、一人の人間として、LGBTQ+の方々には、胸を張って、堂々と生きていってほしい。ただ、カミングアウトをするか、しないかは、個人の選択の自由です。もしも、カミングアウトをしたいと思っているならば、僕もそうしましたが、周りにサポートしてくれる方を見つけてからのほうが、心強いと思います。

If anyone here today is worrying about their sexuality, have a look at my website and know that you are not alone. I support you wholeheartedly as someone who experienced the same concerns, and I hope that together we can live our queer lives bravely and openly. I also want to say that the choice to come out is yours to make. If you, like me, want to come out, I think you will be better prepared to do so once you find people who will support you in that decision.

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人生良い時もあれば、上手くいかない時もあります。それでも、諦めずに進み続ければ、新たな光の指す方へと、導かれていくと思います。僕も正直、この先どうなるのか、自分でもわかりません。でも、一度きりの人生後悔したくないんです。世界がもっと明るくなり、どんな人でも、生きやすい場所になってくれることを、願っています。

Life has both its good and bad moments. But I think that if we persevere, we will find a way to a new light. I have no idea what will happen next, but I want to live my one, precious life without regrets. I pray that the world will become a brighter place where everyone can breathe easily within their own identity.

Let me end by saying I recognize the bravery Atae needed to exercise and I applaud him for doing so. His thoughts about coming out and authenticity, especially in terms of choice and needing support, are ones I strongly echo and, like Atae, I love, support, and stand with my queer siblings, in the closet, out of the closet, or anywhere on that outness spectrum.

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Some Notes

1. The Japanese word for closet is 押入れ (oshi-ire, literally to push into and very descriptive off all my actual closets, both in Japan and here in the United States).

2. You’ll note in the quoted original bits of the letter Atae read at his meeting with fans, he uses LGBTQ+ within his text. This alphabetic shorthand for all the different rainbow-dwelling identities is gaining popularity in both written and spoken Japanese. I assume it is pronounced as erujībītīkyūpurasu in Japanese.

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One Big Update

I screamed it all over my social media (I’m iambrianwatson on Twitter, Bluesky, and Instagram) but one of my dream literary agents asked to see my full manuscript. (When you query a literary agent, if they are interested, they can ask for more materials, depending on what you included in the initial query. Those materials can range from a proposal (a marketing document, in essence, that spells out the research you’ve done to prove that there is a market for your book), to a few chapters (this is called a partial request), to the full manuscript.)

This particular agent, one of the five I pitched to in early July via Zoom—pitching is an orally delivered, shorter version of your query—had only wanted a query letter to begin with, and their request for the manuscript signaled their interest strongly. They said that they would be in touch after reading the manuscript, which they said would only take a few days (maybe even by tomorrow—squee!). My fingers (and toes) are crossed that they like what they’ve read and will share an offer of representation (the initial contract you enter with an agent and yes, before signing anything I get to have a phone call with the agent to better understand what the agent’s vision for my work is, what working with them will be like, and more).

I’m usually one of those people who holds off on excitement and refuses to count chickens, but I can’t lie: even with the car troubles my husband and I are going through this week, I’m still high on the endorphins from Monday’s manuscript request. Please wish me luck!